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The Month In Grief April 28, 2006

Posted by fajita in family.
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One month ago today, my father passed away on a hospital bed in Burnsville, Minnesota. I watched the life evaporate out from his body. I watched the machines which were recording his vital signs slow…slow..slow…stop recording. I kissed his forehead as the last little bits of life left him, and told him I loved him. Since then I have wondered what he is doing, what Heaven is like, what God is like, what the badly needed upgrade on his body is like. I've wept, but not as much as I thought I would. I've had some anxiety problems, but more than I had anticipated. Time has moved faster than I have chosen it to. Thoughts come to me at some of the least opportune times. I'm having a hard time finding both the space in my life and the willingness to talk about my father as much as I need to – and I intent to correct that. Grief slows down a person's life. At minimum, it is one more thing to do. But it's a whole lot more than that. It is a new way of life. It's not a thing you get off your plate with a bunch of hard work, no, it's more like being issued a new plate with a whole new shape – a shape that needs quite a bit of getting used to. I've been fatigued, achy, tired, sad, disoriented, lacking in concentration, full of static energy, having weird dreams, and coming to the realization over and over that my father is dead. Now, I am not having all of these responses all at once. If I begin to, pass the xanax. What has helped me more than anything is the permission for anything to happen for as long os it needs to. So, although most of these "symptoms" were expected, some were not. But there was room for the ones that were not expected. I have also been reading the Bible with a need for comfort. And I am getting it. There is hope in death. I am finding that my belief in a new life, a resurrection, a transcendence of this life is either going to become stronger or it is going to go away. At this point, it is gaining in momentum. This is good. The sun rises. I have confidence in a risen sun. Every sunrise is a reminder that the Son of God is risen. If he can do it, then so can we – with a little help, of course. I am taking the day off of work because that is what I want to do – it is what I need to do. I am going into the hills of Arkansas and taking pictures. Peace, shalom, selah.   

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Comments»

1. TCS - April 28, 2006

and peace to you!

2. Keith Brenton - April 29, 2006

My favorite kind of hunting – the hills of Arkansas, a clear crisp day, and a dandy camera.

Okay, it’s the only kind of hunting I do.


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