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3 Months of Grief June 28, 2006

Posted by fajita in family, Grief.
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Today marks 3 months from the day my father passed away.

Last night I watched World News Tonight, with Charlie Gibson, and there was a story about the Navy finding a lost WWII sub. They interviewed the daughter of one of the men who died on that sub. She’s of course, in her 50’s or so, but they showed a picture of her as a baby being held by her father.

It was too much for me. I felt heavy, tired, sad. I ate dinner, but I wasn’t really present. My wife said I looked like I was going to go to bed early tonight. It was written all over my face. I ate dinner and went to my bedroom and closed the door.

I wept.

There I was in my mind standing next tom my father’s hospital bed watching him slowing shut down. For some reason they couldn’t keep one of his eyes shut, so there it was open. Eerie. I wept in my bed as I imagined myself weeping by his bed.

Then I was at the funeral. I see him in his blue shirt lying in the casket. He looks like a proud man, though so much broken.

I drift off from weeping to sleeping.

At 8:28 PM, my 6 year old son wakes me up. I tell him that I am sad and he tells me there has to be some way to forget about being sad. He hugs me.

I wake up to tuck my kids into bed. My 8 year old daughter asks me to tell a “Grampa Jim” story. I tell them about how he worked full time as a janitor and also had an early morning paper route. He worked really hard to make enough money for a house and food. Besides my father’s sense of humor, it was his willingness to work his tail off in order to provide for the family financially that I appreciated.  

I stayed awake for a while and then hit the sack at abut 11:00 PM, feeling much, much better.

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Comments»

1. Karen - June 29, 2006

I still have those moments, Chris…. although I am not grieving over a physical death. Mine is the grief over missing relationships…. 13 months after a move halfway across the country, I have no close relationships with anyone here; they are all back in the Midwest. Sometimes all it takes is a song or just a random memory popping into my head to send the tears flowing.

2. Uncle Phil - July 3, 2006

It is a difficult adjustment – living with only memories. I miss Jim too. The thing about memories is that you can choose which ones to use. I find myself more often thinking of his laughter and not of his body betraying him, often triggered by the soundtrack to his funeral. Music is amazing in triggering memories.

Concede the bad memories and use the good ones. Remember, you’re the cashduck now!

3. beingmade - July 6, 2006

I lost my Mom almost a year ago… And I am still having those moments. Actually they have become more frequent lately as I’ve finally come out of the cloud of busyness to feel things. Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself feel. You will teach your kids very important things by letting yourself be where you are in your grief.


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