Me, Myself & I

Me: I can’t wait to meet everyone in this cool new doctoral program I am entering into. I get so excited meeting new people. The more people I meet the more energized I get.

Myself: Are you crazy? The last thing you need to do is meet a bunch people who are 10 times smarter than you and make a fool of yourself.

Me: Nah, you’re just scared.

Myself: Scared? Duh! I just left a good job doing what I know how to do best for something I don’t even think I can do. Sure, I wasn’t raking in the dough, but now I am taking out student loans to make ends meet.

Me: And a wise investment it is my friend.

I: Where did I put that…?

Me: Hey I, what are you doing?

I: I lost my daytimer again, have you seen it?

Myself: You see, dad was right, you couldn’t find your butt with both hands. What makes you think you could get a PhD?

I: I’m going to go look in the freezer, I haven’t checked there yet.

Me: If you will remember, Mr. Self-Defeatist, you never thought you could get a masters degree and you got it. You never thought you would get married and you scored a terrific wife. You thought you’d be a lousy father and you’re doing pretty good. What’s your deal, man?

Myself: This is different.

Me: How?

I:Oh look, “I Love Lucy” reruns on TVLand, the freezer can wait.

Myself: How can I know I can do something I’ve never done? I mean, it is possible that whatever good I have done was just luck.

Me: How have you done it in the past?

Myself: I told you, it was luck.

Me: Look, no one is that lucky. You dove in there and you figured it out. You learned the landscape and then walked it.

Myself: But what if I’ve hit my wall? You know, I’ve already gone as far as I can go?

I: Oh, you guys have got to see this. Lucy is on an assembly line and can’t keep up. This one is hilarious.

Myself: As I was saying, I might have maxed out on my ability.

Me: Maybe, but probably not. Look, you’re talking like you’re old or something. This is not the twilight of your days.

Myself: What if I fail?

Me: Now we’re getting somewhere.

Myself: Huh?

I: Laughing hysterically and holding his belly.

Me: Fear is your enemy, not inability. You believe failure is not something you can recover from. You think that if you fail it means the end. Failure and termination have nothing to do with each other. How will you even know what you can do unless you accomplish failure?

Myself: Accomplish failure? That’s a good one. Nice rah rah rah speech. You’re full of it.

Me: Oh so you don’t see any good in failure?

Myself: No, I most certainly do not.

Me: You’re a thief!

Myself: What the Hell are you talking about?

I: (Walking over to and opening the freezer) Now, what was it I was looking for – oh look, ice cream.

Me: You fear failure, so you avoid it at all costs.

Myself: And your point is…

Me: My point is that you don’t even know what you can do.

Myself: Wrongo! I know what I can do. I just spent 5 years doing it and now I’m launching into the unknown.

Me:Aha! You just said it. The “unknown.” You made my point. You seem to equate the unknown with failure while I equate it with opportunity.

Myself:Yeah, yeah, the glass is half empty or half full, I get it.

Me: You don’t get it, not in the least. If only you could get it.

Myself: No need to get all worked up.

Me: I’m just getting started!

Myself: Rolls eyes.

Me: Let’s get back to the “you are a thief” part. Since you are afraid of failure, you avoid it. And since you avoid failure, you have yet to learn the limits of your ability. Look at your track record. You have had success in just about everything you have ever done.

Myself: You’re right. Looks like my system works, doesn’t it?

Me: Not in the least. Success is an awful teacher. You’re like the guy who has ten million dollars in the bank and doesn’t know it because he’s afraid to check his balance for fear that it might be small. So, he lives on crumbs and never accesses his resources.

Myself: You’re making me mad.

Me: Only because I am right.

I: Guys, (yawn and stretch) I’m going to take a nap.  

Me: Look, there is so much potential in you that not risking failure is to rob yourself and frankly the world of something potentially great.

Myself: Or perhaps saving myself and the world from something disastrous.

Me: If you are so diluted to think that the world can’t recover from your failures, then fear of failure is not your greatest problem.

Myself: What’s that supposed to mean?    

Me: It means that you are narcissistic negative.

Myself: Huh?

Me: It means you think you have vast powers for the negative and no power for the positive. You’re exaggerated both ways.

Myself: But it keeps me safe.

Me: It keeps you blind and withholds the good that could be done for others. Do you really want to be held accountable for that?

Myself: Well…that’s not how I think about it.

Me: Well, wold you consider thinking about it more realistically?

Myself: (sigh) I guess.

I: (bursting out of a dead sleep)Guys! I just had this weird dream that I was schizophrenic. I have got to tell you all about it.